Joke Thread

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Ant
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Joke Thread

Unread post by Ant » April 23rd, 2008, 12:03 pm

Sex Against a Fence

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?'

'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'



angelicangel
Posts: 53
Joined: April 14th, 2008, 5:01 pm

Re: Joke Thread

Unread post by angelicangel » April 23rd, 2008, 1:27 pm

Fantastic Ant I bet that gave him 250 volts worth having, I bet he'll be going back every week hehehe (BL) (BL) (BL)


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violetmyst
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Joined: April 14th, 2008, 10:06 pm

Miriam Says...

Unread post by violetmyst » April 25th, 2008, 12:00 pm

Dear Miriam,

The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual.

I hadn’t gone a hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and my car juddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I found him inn the bedroom. I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heeled shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him he tried to make out that he had dressed up in my lingerie because he couldn’t find any of his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up he broke down and admitted that he has been wearing my clothes for 6 months. I told him it had to stop or I would leave him.

He was made redundant from his job 6 months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant, and I don’t feel I can get through to him any more. Please can you help?


Miriam Says…

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults inn the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris inn the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes into the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.



strider
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Re: Joke Thread

Unread post by strider » April 26th, 2008, 8:54 am

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me oryou don't love me anymore; whatever! the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't
comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & ; I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

I hope that's not a problem.


“He laughed and slithered in his mess and dither as they decided to march to the moon..”

strider
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Re: Joke Thread

Unread post by strider » April 26th, 2008, 8:59 am

Do you need an answer to a question about Australia?
Then try the Travel Information page first. Then see if your question is answered below:

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?(UK)
A: Hey, what did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia(USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes, like taipans, blacks & adders, are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and scratch & bite anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine, purchased at the pharmacy, before you go out walking.

20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

21. Q: Will I be able to speek (sic) English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

http://www.virtualaustralia.com/austral ... ions.shtml


“He laughed and slithered in his mess and dither as they decided to march to the moon..”

strider
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Posts: 3027
Joined: April 10th, 2008, 6:10 am

Re: Joke Thread

Unread post by strider » April 26th, 2008, 9:02 am

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“He laughed and slithered in his mess and dither as they decided to march to the moon..”

lilly555
Posts: 116
Joined: April 15th, 2008, 7:17 pm
Location: Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Re: Joke Thread

Unread post by lilly555 » April 26th, 2008, 9:18 am

i'm suprised that somebody actually digged that post...+1


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strider
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Re: Joke Thread

Unread post by strider » April 30th, 2008, 1:21 pm

A drunk man who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes
the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'


The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'



The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,'
Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.'


“He laughed and slithered in his mess and dither as they decided to march to the moon..”

J.C
Posts: 18
Joined: April 27th, 2008, 3:59 pm
Location: LOCATION UNKNOWN

Re: Joke Thread

Unread post by J.C » May 7th, 2008, 5:39 pm

heres a joke

a piece of road walk into the bar and say to the bartender i am the hardest road around here i am the m2 motorway i want a free pint the bartender gives it him he goes and sits down another strip of road walks in says i am the hardest piece of road around here i am the m2 toll road i want a free pint the bartender gives it him he goes and sits down another strip of road walk in says to the bartender i am the hardest piece of road arounf here i am the m2 dual carriage way i want a free pint the bartender gives it him he goes and sits down.
a think grren strip of tarmac walk in the other roads say its him its him stay back the strip of tarmac goes to the bartender say in a high pitched voice i am the hardest road arounf here i am a cycle pathe i want a free pint the bartender gives it him he goes and sits down the other roads sout its him and run out off the pub



Ant
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Re: Joke Thread

Unread post by Ant » May 7th, 2008, 8:23 pm

(Yey!)



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