Joke Thread

Comedy central !!!
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I AM ALL I AM
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Re: Joke Thread

Unread post by I AM ALL I AM » June 22nd, 2010, 8:40 pm

I LOVE YOU


Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell...

Then all the other bells started to ring.


THANK YOU

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WHEN PAIRED OPPOSITES DEFINE YOUR BELIEFS,
YOUR BELIEFS WILL IMPRISON YOU.


What is TRUTH ? . . . .THAT THE ONENESS IS ALL !!!
What is JOY ? . . . . . .ALL THAT THE ONENESS IS !!!
What is LOVE ? . . . . .THE ONENESS THAT IS ALL !!!
What is LIFE ? . . . . . ALL THAT IS THE ONENESS !!!
WHO AM I ? . . . . . . .THE ONENESS THAT ALL IS !!!


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I AM ALL I AM
Posts: 7398
Joined: April 10th, 2008, 4:19 am
Location: Within ALL THAT IS
Contact:

Re: Joke Thread

Unread post by I AM ALL I AM » December 21st, 2010, 3:06 pm

I LOVE YOU


An elderly man walks into a confessional.

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody!"


THANK YOU

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WHEN PAIRED OPPOSITES DEFINE YOUR BELIEFS,
YOUR BELIEFS WILL IMPRISON YOU.


What is TRUTH ? . . . .THAT THE ONENESS IS ALL !!!
What is JOY ? . . . . . .ALL THAT THE ONENESS IS !!!
What is LOVE ? . . . . .THE ONENESS THAT IS ALL !!!
What is LIFE ? . . . . . ALL THAT IS THE ONENESS !!!
WHO AM I ? . . . . . . .THE ONENESS THAT ALL IS !!!


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I AM ALL I AM
Posts: 7398
Joined: April 10th, 2008, 4:19 am
Location: Within ALL THAT IS
Contact:

Re: Joke Thread

Unread post by I AM ALL I AM » December 21st, 2010, 3:16 pm

I LOVE YOU

Sex is like air.

It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.


THANK YOU

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WHEN PAIRED OPPOSITES DEFINE YOUR BELIEFS,
YOUR BELIEFS WILL IMPRISON YOU.


What is TRUTH ? . . . .THAT THE ONENESS IS ALL !!!
What is JOY ? . . . . . .ALL THAT THE ONENESS IS !!!
What is LOVE ? . . . . .THE ONENESS THAT IS ALL !!!
What is LIFE ? . . . . . ALL THAT IS THE ONENESS !!!
WHO AM I ? . . . . . . .THE ONENESS THAT ALL IS !!!


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I AM ALL I AM
Posts: 7398
Joined: April 10th, 2008, 4:19 am
Location: Within ALL THAT IS
Contact:

Re: Joke Thread

Unread post by I AM ALL I AM » December 21st, 2010, 3:19 pm

I LOVE YOU


A woman in a Porsche, as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer.

When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball."

He replied, "No ma'am, Highway Patrolmen don't have Balls."

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said.

He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.


(Yey!)

THANK YOU

Image

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WHEN PAIRED OPPOSITES DEFINE YOUR BELIEFS,
YOUR BELIEFS WILL IMPRISON YOU.


What is TRUTH ? . . . .THAT THE ONENESS IS ALL !!!
What is JOY ? . . . . . .ALL THAT THE ONENESS IS !!!
What is LOVE ? . . . . .THE ONENESS THAT IS ALL !!!
What is LIFE ? . . . . . ALL THAT IS THE ONENESS !!!
WHO AM I ? . . . . . . .THE ONENESS THAT ALL IS !!!


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I AM ALL I AM
Posts: 7398
Joined: April 10th, 2008, 4:19 am
Location: Within ALL THAT IS
Contact:

Re: Joke Thread

Unread post by I AM ALL I AM » December 21st, 2010, 3:34 pm

I LOVE YOU


I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."


THANK YOU

Image

Image

WHEN PAIRED OPPOSITES DEFINE YOUR BELIEFS,
YOUR BELIEFS WILL IMPRISON YOU.


What is TRUTH ? . . . .THAT THE ONENESS IS ALL !!!
What is JOY ? . . . . . .ALL THAT THE ONENESS IS !!!
What is LOVE ? . . . . .THE ONENESS THAT IS ALL !!!
What is LIFE ? . . . . . ALL THAT IS THE ONENESS !!!
WHO AM I ? . . . . . . .THE ONENESS THAT ALL IS !!!


Image

I AM ALL I AM
Posts: 7398
Joined: April 10th, 2008, 4:19 am
Location: Within ALL THAT IS
Contact:

Re: Joke Thread

Unread post by I AM ALL I AM » December 21st, 2010, 4:19 pm

I LOVE YOU


Twas the night befor Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.

A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"


THANK YOU

Image

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WHEN PAIRED OPPOSITES DEFINE YOUR BELIEFS,
YOUR BELIEFS WILL IMPRISON YOU.


What is TRUTH ? . . . .THAT THE ONENESS IS ALL !!!
What is JOY ? . . . . . .ALL THAT THE ONENESS IS !!!
What is LOVE ? . . . . .THE ONENESS THAT IS ALL !!!
What is LIFE ? . . . . . ALL THAT IS THE ONENESS !!!
WHO AM I ? . . . . . . .THE ONENESS THAT ALL IS !!!


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Pochie
Posts: 39
Joined: January 11th, 2011, 7:32 am

Re: Joke Thread

Unread post by Pochie » January 12th, 2011, 2:03 am

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"



Infinitely Expressed
Posts: 325
Joined: April 11th, 2008, 2:10 pm
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Re: Joke Thread

Unread post by Infinitely Expressed » March 3rd, 2011, 1:20 am

Two women were riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the women a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other says, "It's the cobblestones."

source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Bikes/recent/2#ixzz1FUm8focE


Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.

YOU ARE A MIRACLE

chandrakavi
Posts: 3951
Joined: April 10th, 2008, 3:22 am

Re: Joke Thread

Unread post by chandrakavi » April 23rd, 2011, 9:50 pm

For a wedding present Brambilla gave his son Aldo
two hundred dollars.
Two weeks later he asked him, "What-a-you do-a
with-a the money?"
"I bought -a wrist-a watch papa," answered the
boy.
"Stupido! cried his father. "you should-a bought-a
a rifle!"
"A rifle?! what-a for?"
"Suppose some day you come-a home and find-a
a man sleeping with your wife-a," "What-a you gonna do?
Wake him up-a and tell-a him what-a time it is-a?"


:giggling


http://www.hernanvaldovinos.com
http://www.infiniteloveforum/index.php
"That is the nature of reality--everything is vibrating energy"--Khiwarrior

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chandrakavi
Posts: 3951
Joined: April 10th, 2008, 3:22 am

Re: Joke Thread

Unread post by chandrakavi » April 24th, 2011, 3:50 pm

A SMALL BOY is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da--ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can I have a drink of water?"
"I told you no!"
If you ask again I'll have to spank you!"
Five minutes later....."Daaaa-aaaad...."
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me
a drink of water?"


http://www.hernanvaldovinos.com
http://www.infiniteloveforum/index.php
"That is the nature of reality--everything is vibrating energy"--Khiwarrior

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